I would first and foremost like to start off by thanking those brave patriots whose sacrifices have frankly made me fortunate enough to fortify my own home (the security system I had installed will prevent any intruder from defaming my property or stealing by shooting them on sight; the automatic turret installed on the roof has laser-like precision that can identify undesirables using satellite facial scanning technology and eliminate them) sufficiently so that I could sit down safely to type these words into my freshly minted iPhone, a product of factories in China.