Dear Mr. Musk, I Would Love For You To Send Me A Stool Sample For A Fecal Transplant, So That I, Too, Can Become A Space Genius

I would first and foremost like to start off by thanking those brave patriots whose sacrifices have frankly made me fortunate enough to fortify my own home (the security system I had installed will prevent any intruder from defaming my property or stealing by shooting them on sight; the automatic turret installed on the roof has laser-like precision that can identify undesirables using satellite facial scanning technology and eliminate them) sufficiently so that I could sit down safely to type these words into my freshly minted iPhone, a product of factories in China. Now of course I object to Zuckerberg importing such devices from China instead of creating more jobs for America, but until Chairman Brandon is deposed from his dictatorship, the fact remains that this Communist device will have to suffice. It harangues me to no end that Big Tech has allowed China to spread Communist propaganda through Tiktok to our nation’s children. In a time of utter constitutional crisis, Chairman Brandon has declared war on American values. You cannot even enjoy a cheeseburger with your family on the 4th of July anymore without a transgender militia attacking the table with molotov cocktails on their way to bombard the local Starbucks. Every day, perhaps, locals gather to enjoy craft caffeinated beverages at this fine establishment built by a hustler genius Howard Schulz, and folks who don’t want to work anymore would rather burn it down.

But before I elaborate any further I would like to take this opportunity to thank my friend Tommy McDamagedfrontallobe for inviting me to write for this tremendous publication. I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Tommy in person. We became friends through The Gentlemen’s Forum, an online forum for men fed up with the statist federal government’s malfeasance on the migrant crisis and overall communist policies, and I had the absolute honor to appear on Tommy’s podcast The Boys’ Playbook for Political Patriots Podcast. In that breathtaking hour long conversation, unfortunately by default conducted under the Marxist-Leninist feminist web service known as Zoom, I connected with Tommy in an extraordinary way. By the end, I felt as though I would lay down my life for him. If both of us were soldiers in WWII, I have no doubt that we would be the closest of friends. We would pal around, eat grub together at base camp, exercise together, bunk together. The two of us would be damn near inseparable. And after we stormed the beaches at Normandy, holding on for our goddamned life, we would embrace together as real men. Marching through the elements as a band of brothers, forging our paths that were eternally woven together. The code of honor upheld absolutely. Tommy, I know you would take a bullet for me as well, no questions asked, and had we both been athletic, handsome young men, fighting for freedom in rural France in the prime of our lives, it would have not just been an honor but a pleasure. The patriots’ code dyed in blood for freedom to ring out daily throughout all fifty states as the eagle flies.

Which brings me to my main point. I have been so honored to watch the smartest, wealthiest, man to ever exist, Mr. Elon Musk, endorse Donald J. Trump for president. Elon, your career has soared continuously and I congratulate you on your storied support of our next commander in chief. And you said it yourself: “Persistence is very important. You should not give up unless you are forced to give up.” I am suffering from severe intestinal malfunction. My doctor, Paul Panhandle at the Florida Medical Center Reserved For the Gentlemens’ Center For Research, has strongly advised a fecal transplant. My understanding is that in order to restore health to my intestinal tract, they will need to implant the feces of a healthy human being into my colon. After much considered deliberation, I knew who it had to be. So let me cut to the chase: Mr. Musk, please send me a stool sample so that your feces can be implanted into my colon, and I can become a dazzling space genius that will make noble contributions to the patriot’s project of making America great again.

I believe it was Paul Revere who said that valor is forthright if we are willing to travel an extra fortnight, and I know that because my former boss Dick at the Dinali dealership had the quote framed in his office. Paul Revere was murdered execution style by the British for speaking his truth in this manner. Centuries later, eons have passed, Ronald Reagan has graced the highest level of office, the Soviets were defeated in Olympic hockey and then for good, and we have created and defended both the greatest nation on earth. From the Colorado River to Foxwoods Casino, from the Rocky Mountains blue to Lake Michigan, we have stroven for the patriots’ code to set sail on terrorists, yet Chairman Joe has the floodgates open like the Pharoah creating a damn with water to prevent Moses from leading his flock to freedom.

It is with the overcoming of such national calamities in mind that I write to you, Mr. Musk. You are a personal hero of mine. I admire your space ambitions, and your tremendous ambition. You have stood up to Chairman Joe bravely. Now it is time you stand up to my severely inflamed intestines, and provide me with the stool sample that I need so that I can return to health and rejoin the global freedom fighters’ nation. And with that, I would once again like to thank my dear friend Tommy McDamagedfrontallobe, thank you for sending me the article “10 Ways to Garner Respect For Womenfolk Properly In Age of Men Who Loaf All Day” that sparked our initial connection, and please be sure to check out Tommy’s podcast The Boys’ Playbook for Political Patriots Podcast where Tommy’s recorded voice keeps you company for many, many hours every week keeping you up to date on all the threats posed by the horrible policies of Chairman Joe and his apprentice of socialism Kamala.